Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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