she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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