she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
