mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
