Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
