Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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