i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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