Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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