There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
