I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
