I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
