Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
