So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
