So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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