were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
