Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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