What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
