it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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