You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
