so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
