I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
