508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
