I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
