he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
