imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
