Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
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