So drunk, too bad you don't want this
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
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Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
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I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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