I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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