Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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