You're my little dorito
I think I won the penis lottery.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize