Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize