Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
