I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
