This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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