Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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