CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
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But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
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He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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