Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
