how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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