Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
