You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
