I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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