so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
