Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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