I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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