1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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