the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
