Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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