I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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