I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
