I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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