So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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