This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
