You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
