My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
