I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
